Xmahannuramakwanzyule Meme and PANSI'S Plea

I wasn't invited to do this but I stole it from here and did it anyways. Because when you're as unpopular as me, you get used to crashing the party!

CHRISTMAS MEME

When people say Christmas you immediately think:

Oh greed! Food and presents!

Favorite Christmas memory:

Putting up the tree. We used to really have a beautiful tree every year and lots of nice decorations. It was great to put up and hell to take down.

Favorite Christmas song/carol:

I like the Little Drummer Boy, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, What Child is This, the Carol of the Bells, and a bunch of stuff on the Celtic Christmas album. I also like the Coventry Carol, but it's very sad.

Favorite Christmas movie:

Probably A Christmas Story because it's funny.

Your favorite Christmas character..:

The animals in the manger!

Favorite ornament/object:

There were some handmade ones that my great-grandmother sent us that I really loved. Those and the birds. And the glass ones. I'm getting a bit fucking nostalgic here.

What are your plans for Christmas?

I'll be working, Beeyatch. No joke.

Other than that, I'll give my son his gifts. And make a halfway nice dinner. Now I'm feeling pissy and humbuggy about the working thing. Fucking Alvin N. Chipmunkk! (My boss)

If you want to play, you're tagged. Tell me where you did the dirty deed so I can come and see the results.

And now, here's PANSI.

First becuz of the incompatent's of the CHEESE MISTRESS it look's like I am going to be without CHRISTMAS PRESENT'S this yeer! I sertanly dont no what Mrs. Weirdso was thinking when she sent me to the Never World! It was probly part of some heething packt that her and the CHEESE MISTRESS have! And now to ad insult's to injery's, the CHEESE MISTRESS puts my importent messaje about my not getting CHRISTMAS PRESENT'S after her dumb thingy about what she thinks of Christmas when she is just a big heething anyway's! I reely hope there are some good pepul heer who will help corekt the dumb mistakes of the CHEESE MISTRESS. I hope you will go heer to reed my urjent plee and see how you can get me some CHRISTMAS PRESENT'S! PLEESE!!! I am cownting on you!

Kiss Kiss,

PANSI!!!!!

Silly Meme

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam. You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing. Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long. Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word. You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.

What Year Should You Have Been Born Under?

I'm actually a Snake.

Meditation/Spiritual Practice and Exhaustion

I was raised with a religion wherein there were a lot of things that could make you a BAD PERSON. One of these things was being remiss about attending services on the given day at the given time. This may be one reason why I was drawn initially to solitary esoteric work and later to Buddhism as well. There wasn't so much dogma. "You have to do Y on day X, or you'll go to H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS!!! AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE IS NO BUTTER IN HELL AND SO YOU WILL FRY PAINFULLY WITH NO EMULSIFYER."

Even when I left behind the religion of rigid dogma, this is one of the beliefs that piggybacked on my subconscious, along with if you wish for money something horrible will happen to you. This belief may well be blocking the free flow of positive energy between myself and the Universe. For instance, I have been zombie tired the past few days. I can barely muster the energy to place the Tara and Buddha statuettes, let alone do any sort of invocations. While Tara and Buddha are not the sort of deities to strike one down with lightning for not worshipping on schedule, I still feel the old I AM NOT WORTHY creeping in. The only thing I can do is recognize it and let it go. Holding onto it or fighting it are only going to do me no good. So I may have to repeat for a while that this is an erroneous belief and must be released before it finally departs. But I won't wrestle with it because wrestling only allows it to keep its hold on me.

Peace and blessings.

Angelic Prayer

Merry Meet!
Here is a prayer to the Angelic Forces to help cease hostilties in the Middle East.
Blessed Be

Invocations

Merry meet! Today I was looking for invocations of Aphrodite. I found some that I thought were particularly helpful.

Here is a site that you may find helpful. It contains invocations to various Gods and Goddesses.

Here is one that has meditations specifically focused on Aphrodite.

Here is a ritual for invoking Aphrodite.

Here is Sappho's hymn to Aphrodite.

Seeing these links, one might think I was foolishly lusting after an unattainable lover as I have done in the past too many times. No such thing! I simply decided that always doing rituals according to a day and time felt too cut and dry to me and I needed something fresh. I have divination decks from which I draw cards. Today Aphrodite is with me. She is far more than a goddess of sexual love although that is one of the areas she certainly rules over. She also helps with friendship love, with the arts, and with gardening. So today I was looking for ways to honor her.

Blessed be.

I guess I am a genius! (Not really)

Get a Cash Advance

Guess at least there's a good side to it

Your Sensitivity Score: 96%

You are an extremely sensitive person. You notice everything. You've probably been called overly sensitive before, and it's partially true. Highly sensitive people tend to be highly intelligent. And you just can't turn off that part of you.

Are You Extremely Sensitive?

Tyr

The deity of the day is Tyr. Read the basic facts about him at Pagan News.
I could use a courage injection from Tyr. I tend to be too worried about what others think.

Lord Ganesha

When I was growing up, I was taught that wishing for money was evil. My parents read me the story "The Monkey's Paw" as an illustration that if you wish for money, God will punish you for money is the root of all evil. Such a wish is a selfish wish and anyone brazen enough to wish for something so selfish as money would be granted sorrow.

When I discovered metaphysics, it seemed logical to me that wishing for money was not in itself evil, but I could never bring myself to try and attract money because of my earlier training, although I would be very generous with my money. I still felt very uncomfortable doing spell work to bring more money into my life.

Tonight, I had the rare and beautiful occurrence of a spontaneous manifestation from the benevolent Lord Ganesha, the Vedic God of plenty. This is not to say that I saw a 20 foot tall human-elephant hybrid standing before me, but I did see the benevolent deity very clearly in my mind's eye and I felt his kindness and knew that if I wished for what I needed through him, it could never manifest in a negative way. Lord Ganesha is a merciful deity and would never play a wicked trick on those who turn to him in their time of need. Nor would he punish the innocent for the wicked deeds of one family member or associate.

I often become too wrapped up in doing things perfectly. I had a couple of very "heavy" days of meditation, worship and spirit contact. Lord Ganesha asked me to make this day an easy and fun day, to perform but a few spells and to ask for and allow his help. He knows the heart of those who petition him and he knows that my intentions are good. I feel honored that he manifested to me without my asking and gave me his blessing. I know I can always turn to Lord Ganesha and while this isn't a "genie in the bottle" sort of thing where all I wish is instantaneously dropped on my doorstep I know that he will never punish me or those I love and if he sees error in my ways, he will find a method of getting the message across kindly, for he is all benevolence. Blessed be Lord Ganesha and great is my thanks to him for his blessings.

Lily Rowena Iridescent Leaf

Fundamentalist Foolishness

Things like this are why I can't abide fundamentalist Christians.

The guy was gay. So the megachurch that was going to do the funeral service canceled.

This is the original article.

There's some love for you. Dude was gay. He wasn't hurting anybody. He wasn't a murderer or a rapist or a child molester. Just a guy who happened to be in love with another guy.

I dislike megachurches too. I do not think they were in the spirit that Jesus intendend.

Jesus cared for and healed outcasts. I think he would have had some kind words to say for the spirit of this guy.

I dislike the Christian church. But I have the highest regard for Jesus, the enlightened healer.

Fortunately my heathen present is no secret

You Are a Yule Log

While you do have holiday spirit, you have a secret, heathen past.

What Holiday Food Are You?

Strange Days

I step outside for a smoke and hear a collective psychic scream all around my neighborhood.

"This isn't what I planned! This isn't what I would have chosen! Why?"
I wonder why all of us are here. Is it just our bad choices, or just bad luck? There aren't any "bad" people living around here. Just a bunch of "trailer trash." People who have given up or were never cut a break in life.
Why are we here?
Why did those people die on that bridge in Missouri?
My son's best friend had a dream the night before the bridge collapsed. He dreamed of an old, rickety wooden bridge that collapsed into the Mississippi river and cars fell in. Many people were killed.
The bridge that collapsed had structural damage. He must have been perceiving that.
I astral projected while being worked on at the chiropractor's office today. Kind of freaked me out. I slammed back into my body and almost had a panic attack.
Strange days indeed.

Amazing song! Love the Doors!























Read the story of the Jim Morrison spirit photo.

The truth

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Finally perhaps a good explanation.

Doug wrote this on his blog:
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

2007 Update: A sorceress responsible for, among other things, men turning into apes; enchantments that cause obsession, indifference or distraction in the victim; the levitation of owls; the nocturnal rituals of cats; and, in many cases, profligate drinking, foolish voting and debt.

And I replied:
Then there's the boring kind of witch, like me, who is simply someone who didn't get along with the accepted religion of the society and so reverted to a previous one. Neither hideously ugly nor in any way beautiful, I zig-zag or sleepwalk in my own odd way through life, annoying those who lack a sense of humor and frightening those who are devoted to the accepted religion.

The Crystal Cavern

Please visit my new web store, The Crystal Cavern. Featuring a variety of aromatherapy products, books, candles, massage oils, and cool specialty items. Check it out!

So What Happened in this life?

You Were a Cougar

You are a great leader who has dominance without ego. You are wickedly cunning and off the scale confident.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Which Goddess of Death are you?

My top result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Goddess of Death are You?, is ?????

My top result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Goddess of Death are You?, is Eriskegal - The Sumerian Goddess of the Underworld. This Sumerian Goddess of Death is naked and asleep. She weeps for all those who die, yet when her sister tried to take over her realm, she turned her into a chunk of rotting meat... When provoked, you have one hell of a temper!

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Blessing of Bast for dead or dying cat

I also placed this on my Animal Anarchy Blog.
The Blessing of Bast


Blessing to the Dead (For Bast)
(NOTE: This is a quote taken from Michael Poe’s e-text.)

"Bast is a goddess for the Sun and the Moon, but for the dead Sunset is
the best time; Night comes second, sunrise third, and daylight comes in
fourth for ritual for this.

Face the West, setting sun (or if not at sunset, either the moon or the
sun depending on you doing it in the day or night time. If you have an
oil lamp lit it; if not use white candles, and a little votive candle. Bless
the two white ones to Bast, the votive to the dead cat. Meditate upon the
cats attributes; able to see at night, intelligent, quick, independent, very
maternal, luxury minded and sensual. (if you have a cat, invite her in
your circle).

Bast nefer dy ankh
Beautiful Bast giving Life,

A Bast, shu asenu
Hail Bast, in visible form, casting light into the darkness

sesept em kekui,
I have come before you,

i kua ser-ten, uat sesh-tha, ta em hetep.
the path is opened, the earth is at peace.

(Egyptian pronunciation is optional, but in ancient Egypt was imperative to speak the language to create the sounds to get the response.)

O Great goddess, Bast,
Soul of Isis,
Heart of the Sun-hear my call.
Enter now this consecrated shrine (or circle)
Make Thy presence known to me.

(envision the dead cat)

Aid thy servant in reaching the source of all things,
Guide thy servant's steps on the true path
Answer your physical manifestation's soul's desire for Thou.
Blessed be Bast,
Who gathers her children into life everlasting.
Blessed be Bast,
The Beloved of Bast has gone to the Horizon,
Your physical manifestation lives now only in the sunset.
May it's ka endure and it's shadow seek the light.
The power of Bast protects her,
Shut en Bast sau."

If THAT is unsatisfying or baffling, do not worry. Here is a simpler prayer:

"Mau Bast! Mau Bast! A Basti, per em setat, erta-na chu em asui
neter sentra semu hena net'emmit, hetep ab em asui tau heqt.

Translation: Hail Bast! Hail Bast! Hail Bast, coming forth from the secret place, may there
be given to me splendor in the place of incense, herbs, and love-joys, peace of heart in the
place of bread and beer."

A Question of Belief

Sometimes when I am receiving input from my co-author or another spirit, I fear I may just be a lonely lunatic imagining the whole thing. But then later I'll find out that things I had no way of knowing are absolutely true.
My psychic abilities are very raw. I have never honed them. I have good abilities in divination skills such as reading tarot cards. I do not normally pick up on things like names or initials. I likely can't tell a person what their dearly beloved Nana's pet name for them was in childhood. I do not see spirits, I feel them. I feel their emotions and, from my co-author, sensations of warmth, for instance when he puts his hand on my back. He/they (the soul in question suffered from dissociative personality disorder, which is not common knowledge) discovered that they possess an innate healing ability. It is also obvious to me that they possessed empathic abilities and a rather powerful ability to contact the spirit realm.
It confuses me at times why the deities and angels don't intervene more strongly to save an individual such as this. Sadly in this case, the negative energies surrounding him were too strong, I think. But he reminds me that while his life may have been lost, his soul was not.
There is still much for me to learn and when I begin to question the reality of it, I am reminded of this fact. Since being befriended by this invisible but very real spirit, I have never again been plagued by demons attempting to possess me, which is something that used to happen quite frequently when I slept. It is nice to have a "guard spook." We are learning a lot together and truly do enjoy one another's company.
People also often have the mistaken impression that ghosts are omniscient. They are the same people they were in life. They do have access to more channels of information but are not omniscient just because they shed their bodies. So it's no good being angry with Uncle Grant because he can't tell you the winning lottery numbers or Aunt Sally because she doesn't know who you should marry. But it might be well to listen if you sense Uncle Grant tapping you on the shoulder when you're reading the classifieds looking for a better job or Aunt Sally warning you that the new guy you have such strong feelings for is a bad deal. Spirits are energy and they sense energies. Not being bound by the solid confines of a body, they can do so more freely than we can.
Expert psychics are adept at sensing these same energies. We can all develop them. It takes time and patience like anything else. And it is real.

Here are some psychic exercises to try.

Reading regarding my business venture

Greetings Cie,

Greetings Cara this is Lady Joy. I am currently filling in for Lydia due to time constraints. My Spirit Guide says: What you should do is seek new funding if at all possible. Most new businesses cannot support themselves on little funds. Try to get investors or work through networking and profit sharing. You will need at least to get a part time job to try to help support this venture. It will take at least a year more to be more supportive and have money coming in. Make sure the part time job is supportive and it is money coming to you not just speculative. This will require a lot of endurance on your part. If however you just choose to wait things out the new business will flounder. It is not yet strong enough to stand on its own two feet. The book will do moderately well but it needs a good marketing team to set it in the lime light. This will help with extra cash but not right immediately. Make sure you have a good contract with the publisher and get your just du e. Profits at first will seem skimpy but they will improve especially in August. You have a lot of operations going perhaps spread a little thin. You need more time or the ability to delegate. The adult store is the most viable since you have invested in it more than the dollar store. Save the dollar store for a bit later in two years when all else is moving along smoothly. Blessings Lady Joy

LadyJoy of Psychic Realm




You Wrote:

Hello Lydia To get the basic stuff out of the way first my name is Cara Hartley or Cie and my email address is clhproducts@gmail.com I have just started working in e-commerce. All the ideas seem good but I have become quite overwhelmed. The $2000 I borrowed from my family is nearly gone. I have this sense that "good things are just around the corner" if only I stick with it. But as I have bipolar disorder I tend to have too many thoughts and to diversify too much. Also I have just written a book that is being set for publication as we speak. I got into e-commerce to make money to promote the book and also to pay for the publishing as major publishers won t touch unknowns. The websites I have are an adult store that is already set up and has thousands of products. It is very classy not some sort of sleazy operation. The other is a general store and the third is a discount "dollar store." My feeling is that the adult business has the most potential and I should work on pro moting and advertising that. I know this is a lot of info so the basic question is how should I best go about succeeding at my new business ventures? Thank you so much for your time. Cie

Cie

Senseless

I really don't get people who commit massacres because they're miserable.

I've thought about taking myself out many a time. The thought usually crosses my mind several times a month.

I was very unpopular when I was in school, especially junior high. There was one girl who seemed to live to make me miserable. One time she passed around this note alleging that the teacher's assistant in art and I were having a "thing." The note was very graphic and very disgusting, and I was horrified. She said the ugliest things about me. And I actually came up with a plan to kill her.

I had a knife under my jacket and was going to follow her into the girls' bathroom and stab her.

I had no other targets although there were others that picked on me. This girl made my life hell, however, and I had reached a breaking point.

Something, I have no idea what, a spirit guide, an angel, my higher (and I don't mean having smoked more pot, something that I did a lot of back in the day) self said to me:

"Don't do it. Put the knife back. You don't want to ruin your entire life over this bitch."

It wasn't a namby pamby goody goody "love thy enemy" schpiel. It wasn't asking me to consider what Jesus would do, in spite of the fact that at the time I was a devout Catholic. Whatever was guiding me acknowledged that this girl was a mean-spirited bitch. It told me that I was above doing something that barbaric and deserved better than to spend the remainder of my youth incarcerated for killing her, and probably having to change my identity as an adult. This guidance was loud and clear (in my mind, not in my ears) and it was very real and honest.

I've often wondered where the guiding voice was for people like this recent mass murderer, for people like the guy at the Amish school, for people like Harris and Klebold.

Is the voice there but they block it out?

Or are they listening a voice that encourages them to kill?

I wonder if I'll ever know.

I don't think I'll ever understand.

Standing Up For What I Believe

For many years I have done my ceremonies seated. I was raised in the Catholic church and we sat or kneeled, sometimes stood. Even when I turned to my particular blend of Wicca, Buddhism and Gnosticism, I have tended to remain seated during my ceremonies. But when I did the Ostara ceremony yesterday, I felt the power when I performed most of the work STANDING!

In yesterday's post I mentioned calling on Balder, who is a benevolent god of power. Not the kind of power that tramples over the rights of others, but the kind that invites one to be true to oneself and one's beliefs. Balder only fights when necessary. He is strong enough that he doesn't have to fight to prove himself.

It was as if Balder said to me "stand up, Sister, and join me!" And when I felt the power that went into that ceremony, I truly felt at one with the Ancient Deities.

Sometimes being seated is right. When doing the Buddhist meditations, one is in a relaxed seated or kneeling position, according to their level of comfort. Relaxing the body allows the mind to relax, helping the enlightenment to reach through the mind to the soul. But when doing a full afternoon of meditation, we are sometimes called to get up and walk, strolling slowly through the temple, to bring ourselves back to earthly reality. This helps integrate the new enlightenment into our physical minds.

Sometimes meditation is done lying down, as with the exercises I do to increase my astral projection proficiency. This is a very relaxed way to learn new things and new ideas. Hypnotism is usually perfomed on a subject who is lying down.

And sometimes kneeling in deference to one's beloved deities is correct as well.

But the thing I like about the Pagan and Buddhist deities is that they don't command you admit your inferiorty. They only ask your respect.

It is much more an apprentice/adept relationship than a master/slave relationship.

And that feels more RIGHT to me.

I give gratitude to Balder, Freya, Brigit, and all the other mighty deities who joined in our ceremony of blessing for the growing year and for the book yesterday.

Blessed be!

Lily

and the Ghost Writer

Why Ostara Today

We didn't do it as a protest against the Christian Easter. We did it because we are celebrating new beginnings.
The book that I initially started in 1992 and my spectral co-author joined me in writing and helped me change radically for the better in 2005 is finished! We did our Ostara ceremony before submitting it. We invoked Brigid and Freya, who we had invoked and asked to bless our work when we discovered each other and knew we wanted to work together. We invoked Balder, a beloved Deity of my co-author's people, and any other benevolent deity that wished to be present. We then did a ceremony to the God and Goddess. When done, the circle was filled with benevolent energy and blessing, and I plugged the portable drive into the computer and off went the story to its destination.
I was so nervous I was ready to piss my pants! Luckily I did not humiliate myself thusly in front of my co-author and the deities. I was actually happy because I have not been that excited about anything in literally years.
When we began working together, we felt that doing so would be beneficial to both of us.
It has been.
Now we must work to achieve our greater goals from the book. Raising awareness about mental illness, and bringing to light certain truths that he wants the world to know about him.
The site for the book is live, but as of this writing, is still in its very skeletal stages. By the end of the month it should start looking like something.
Here is the link for anyone who is interested in looking at a cyber-skeleton!
May you achieve your goals this year as well!
Blessed Be
Cie and Ghost

I am Love

Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Love You are Love. Love is the glue that binds us all together. The love of family, the love of friends, the love between husbands and their wives--these things form the foundation of our happiness, our security, and our comfort. "All you need is love."
Courage
Friendship
Charity
Faith
Peace
Which Positive Quality Are You?

I think this refers more to benevolent love and trying to treat people decently than to romantic love, or I think the results would have been way different because I'm a pretty big cynic when it comes to romantic love. I'm actually kind of a cynic about how much good the humanitarian kind of love does, but I still believe its the right thing to do.

To Hell (Hel) With Me?

People are multifaceted. While I try to be a nice person, and I usually am until someone gives me reason to be pissed off, I can also be the meanest fucking bitch you ever met! Generally this goes against what I believe to be proper action. Even if I don't like someone, usually I'll ignore them. But what about the kind of people that come looking for it? You warn them and they insist on pissing you off! How much bad karma is it giving me that I kind of enjoy allegorically kicking the living shit out of some asshole that truly deserves it when they come a-knocking and ASKING FOR IT??? They could just stay away! I wouldn't follow them.

Maybe I'm giving into temptation sent by some devil or other to heap bad karma atop my already questionable karma. On the other hand, maybe I'm just emulating the Norse Goddess Hel, pictured above.

Hel rules over the Norse underworld, or Niflheim. This realm has three levels. On the first level, deities and warriors celebrate together with Hel. On the second level, those who died infirm and weak roam until they are released for rebirth. On the third and worst level are the truly evil.

While Hel is generally seen as a harsh deity, she can also be benevolent. She assists magicians who call upon her respectfully.

Read more about the Norse spiritual realms here.

Love, Hate and Betherell

It is said that love and hate are two sides of the same coin, and most people take this to mean that first you love someone and then are betrayed by them so the intensity of emotion that was once directed into love is now directed into hate. In truth, I have recently discovered that this simply means that love and hate are both intense emotions which are the polar opposites of one another. Both require energy but love is positive energy and hate is negative energy.

You don't in fact have to love someone enough to feel betrayed by them to end up hating them. You can go from feeling charitable towards someone to disliking them because they display a consistently hateful attitude towards you. You can go from tolerating a person that you find it difficult to get along with in any case to fully hating them because they become openly hostile towards you.

In a recent personal experience my feelings towards a given individual went from thinking of them as odd but basically ok to general annoyance at nearly everything they said, to feeling disrespected by them, to feeling totally creeped out by them. When I finally made it known that I would no longer tolerate their unacceptable behavior, this individual became downright hostile. On the cosmic scale of things this individual means nothing to me, but I have a lifetime of issues and this attack, which was about a 1 on the cosmic richter scale with a mouse fart being a 1, a nuclear blast being about a 5, and a supernova being a 10, made me react in ways that are inexplicable to people who have developed decent skills for coping with life's problems, especially the myriad of crappy little stuff.

I have banished the attacker through comment moderation. If I see their name in the list of comments, I delete it without reading it. Now this individual is going around slamming me on other people's blogs. They really are the most ridiculous thing, and I really don't care but something inside me does.
I was watching this program about people with addictive or destructive behaviors. There was a young woman who was musically talented, had a definite borderline personality. She had been molested as a child. She was standing outside a nightclub when some jerk walked by her and called her a whore. This upset her so much that when she went home that night she started cutting herself all over. She said that she knew it was stupid to get so upset over this but she always did, whenever someone who didn't know her said something bad about her like that it would send her into a spiral of self-hate. This is what happens to me and this is why people like my verbal assailant are poison to me. I should never have been nice to him. My first impression of him was that he was "strange, but basically an ok guy." Then I started finding him annoying, then creepy. The more I ignored him the more he started harrassing me. Then he eventually started making hostile comments when I made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with any more of his shit. He isn't getting to me now, but I knew exactly what that poor girl was talking about. Her cutting was far worse than any I've done. I would cut on my arms, legs and abdomen but immediately try to hide it most times. She smeared the blood all over herself. She also saw her image in a mirror and smashed her fist through the mirror. I wanted to reach out and hug her and say "It's ok, my sister, I understand." Its horrible knowing your actions are strange and wrong and not being able to stop yourself, feeling dead inside and wanting to be dead. And most of the time it is good people that these feelings afflict.

What does this have to do with love and hate?

I was walking along pondering my reaction to this fool when a kind spirit said to me that I was smart enough to know that such an individual wasn't worthy of my love, so why couldn't I see that he wasn't worthy of my hate? The spirit told me that hate involves a great expenditure of energy and in the end only tires out the person who is doing the hating. So this is far from being some namby-pamby new-agey "love thy enemy" sort of speech. It is far more a "ignore your enemy because they aren't worth your energy" speech. I will not purport to lecture anyone that has deep-seated hate for an individual who killed a loved one or other such heinous acts. But for your run of the mill detractors or even your cheating ass boyfriend or girlfriend, eating yourself up with hate does you not one bit of good. And this leads to the concept of Betherell.

In the wonderful science fiction pictorial book Aliens in Space by Stephen Caldwell, the inhabited world which circles Proxima Centauri is home to a peaceful, advanced civilization. There are no jails and there is no capital punishment. But the worst criminals are subject to a fearsome sentence known as Betherell. Those doomed to Betherell must wear special clothing so everyone in society knows their fate, and they are henceforth ignored by the entire population. They have in essence ceased to exist. One can see where this would be psychologically distressing, but as Caldwell points out, to be completely ignored can also be deadly. If one upon whom Betherell is imposed walks in front of a planetary transport, for instance, the transport driver is not going to slow down for them because they, in essence, do not exist. If such an individual is drowning, no-one is going to rescue them because they, for all intents and purposes, do not exist.

While this fictional sentence imposed upon criminals on a fictional world may seem extreme and preposterous, consider the merit of in essence imposing Betherell upon those who repeatedly offend us and violate our personal comfort levels. Of course it would be illegal to run someone down who walked in front of your car because you had chosen to see that person as not existing, and of course if one of these people is actually dangerous, you can't ignore them. But any vile words coming from them are the words of a troubled mind. One must ask oneself, why am I troubled by these imaginary voices? As it would be detrimental to sanity to acknowledge these voices, said voices do not exist.

In most situations, psychological/psychic Betherell is far more effective than hate. It is placid neutrality and the attacker can't gain any kind of psychic or psychological stimulation from the fact that one is expending energy on hating him or her.

You need not love your enemy. But except in extreme circumstances, the most healthy course of action would seem to be to ignore, rather than hate them.

Warning

How dangerous is my current level of exhaustion?

I have fibromyalgia and my exhaustion heightens my pain and my pain heightens my exhaustion. My adrenals are fried right now. I find myself being paranoid and having very disturbing thoughts, filled with worry about those I care for. I feel hated, even by those that are supposed to love me. Although I have been under some attack from certain quarters for real and I am so sensitive to emotions, especially love and hate. Sensing strong hate actually hurts me physically.

Tonight as I was getting out of the car to bring in the fast food to feed the family as I was too burned out and exhausted to cook, I turned to see a dark, shadowy shape about six feet behind me. I sensed cold and although this being was eerie it wasn't evil. I felt warning from it. If I continue on as I am, I will be departing from the physical world.

That would be ok with me right now. I'm too tired to fight any more.

Modern Tools of Worship

I became concerned about the relatively low but nonetheless plausible danger of fire from burning jar candles near my Buddha and Tara statues on my makeshift altar at work. Today while shopping at the local natural foods and goods store, I found a truly fine item--a Himalayan salt lamp. It is beautiful and the material comes straight from the Earth, so it seemed a perfect solution.

The Wiccan part of my belief system includes acknowledging the Elementals. The four Earthly elements are Earth, Fire, Water and Air. The fifth element is Aether or Heaven.

The Earth elementals will like the lamp because salt is representative of Earth.

The Fire elementals will appreciate the light and the electricity that generates it.

However, it lacks the air and water elements.

I always have a glass of some sort of liquid around the altar area, either water or tea, occasionally juice, for the water elementals.

I will need to get an aroma diffuser to appeal to the air elementals since I am no longer using scented candles. Traditionally incense is used to invoke the air elementals, but it was entirely impractical to use incense in my situation, so I have never done so.

Thus, if you are concerned about the danger of fire or simply want to try something different in your worship, a salt lamp may be a new tool for you to consider.

Peace,

Lily

It Ain't Easy

It ain't easy being born into a world which prefers concrete explanations and easy categorizations whey you are one who deals with things that often have no concrete explanation and can't be easily categorized.

I have been writing a book for more than a year now. The original idea actually came to be in 1992. I have always wanted to have MY name on a book.

This can't happen because the book I've written has grown far from the original concept, which, in all honesty, probably wouldn't have sold very well anyway.

I'm not sure the book will sell well, if at all. But part of the reason I can't write it under my real name is because of my co-author.

Who happens to be a ghost.

If you are the kind of person who wants to read with an open mind more about my experiences with this situation, click here.

If you are the kind who will only see fit to tell me that I need psychiatric help, let me behoove you not to waste your time. I'm bipolar. I already know I have psych issues. In fact you can read more about them here.

If you want to tell me that I'm being controlled by Satanic influences, save your keystrokes, because I don't believe that's the case. I'm a mystical witchy kind of person, so I'm already damned by your standards anyway.

If you are an aethiest or otherwise believe there is no existence after the demise of the body--well, what the hell are you doing reading this kind of blog? Save your keystrokes too because I've already heard your argument before. You can't be communicating with a ghost because there's no such thing as ghosts. Maybe you're right. But I don't think so.

If you're an Internet troll, fuck off on general principles, because I hate your worthless ilk. I don't need your poison. Get a life.

I'm not saying you have to believe exactly what I believe. But let's try to be tolerant of one another, shall we?

If you're cool with what I'm saying, then I'm sorry to have come off like a total grouch. I'm a curmudgeon, but I actually don't bite unless provoked!

The book, by the way, will be written under the name Lily Strange. Lily is my mystic name. The strange is obvious.

Lily

Dear Buddha And Tara

I need you right now.
I'm feeling really down and nothing I do is working right.
I have no damn willpower. I need to lose weight--desperately. I do ok for a few days, but then I binge. I can't seem to stop. I'm like a heroin addict.
My entire life is out of control. I need you to help me bring things back into perspective.
I don't know when it got this bad, but I've never felt like I was captain of my own destiny.
Perhaps its from having a controlling family. I don't know why. But I do know that I need you if I'm ever going to be able to change.
Please bless and guide me.
I am suffering.
Cie/Lily

Trippin' With Jack Tripper

Sometimes dreams about the departed are just dreams, but many times I think they are actual contacts. If this was a real contact, then my respect for a beloved icon from my youth has increased even more!

In my early teen years, I was an awkward creature with greasy hair and Martian headgear who was often the target of cruel jokes. I was a total nerd who had started smoking weed to take the edge off the intolerable agony of being victimized by my peers, but I was still a very innocent kid who thought that a blow job was blowing in someone's ear! I gained solace retreating into the science-fiction worlds of Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica; the action-packed worlds of Starsky and Hutch and Baretta (Did Robert Blake ever end up doing the time for his crime? Shit, talk about having your innocence shattered--Baretta was so cool and Blake had been one of "Our Gang," for cryin' in a bucket!) and the feel-good fun worlds of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Welcome Back Kotter, What's Happenin', and Three's Company. I remember imagining that I would grow up to be beautiful like Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Somers, and I would have a cool friend/surrogate big brother like John Ritter to make life fun.

I had a particular affinity for John, as I always enjoyed physical comedy, and he was a true genius. Plus, he was a nice guy in real life, not one of those people that played a nice guy but in real life was a jerk. John really inspired me. I wanted to be as gorgeous as the women he worked with, but as funny as he was. Like many people, I was shocked and saddened by John's untimely death a few years ago.

On the morning of the second, I had come home and was ready to get some sleep. There is some upheaval within my family. My parents are talking about moving to Arizona to be closer to my brother and out of the cold winters, which I think they should. They want for me to move down there too once my son graduates from high school. I can see reasons why this would be beneficial, but also reasons why it wouldn't. And at my age, in no small part due to my mental illness and being improperly treated for so many years, I still rely on my parents financially for a number of things. This is a great source of shame to me. I feel like I owe them. I would like to not be relying on them any more.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," I said sadly. "I remember when I was thirteen years old and wanted to be a famous actress. I guess I really wanted the acclaim and acceptance because I was such an outcast in real life. I don't want the hollywood glitz and glamour crap any more, it's such a lie. But it's sad to not believe that any of my dreams of making it in a creative field can come true any more. It's sad to lose the belief that one has in youth that one day everything will be wonderful."

I wasn't thinking about any of the shows that I enjoyed in my early teens, just about my ability to delude myself that one day things would be better--that I would be a "star." I no longer want to be a "star" in that sense. But I guess I would still like recognition for the things I put a lot of myself into--my writing, for instance. However, the hope is gone.

I always work on meditation and try to consciously astral project when I fall asleep. Usually I'm too tired and if anything end up wandering brainlessly about and don't really remember anything that happens. I had it in my mind to look for my co-author. I'm sure I babble incoherently at him a lot of the time as he keeps me safe from lower astral entities. I rarely remember what happens but often I wake with the feeling that he was guarding me and think that it was kind of him to take it upon himself to do so, seeing as being with an incoherent astral wanderer is probably much like being with an Alzheimer's patient.

I wasn't thinking about John Ritter. I hadn't seen any Three's Company reruns in a couple of months, since they did the marathon on TV Land. But suddenly as I wandered about, there was John Ritter! He said hello and that he'd like to talk to me and show me some things. We wandered around the set of a television show and he told me that he really had enjoyed acting and making people laugh, but hated the lies promoted by the industry. He did a few slapstick moves for me, tumbling over the couch and the like, and got me laughing. I got up and joined him, remembering how much I always loved the Three Stooges. We acted like complete lunatics for a time. Then we sat down and he told me how much he appreciated my kind thoughts for him and said that everything he did was for people like me. I thought that was really nice. He talked about missing his family but accepting what had happened to him since it wasn't like there was anything he could do to change it.

Eventually he said that he realized that I no longer wanted to be a Hollywood icon or even necessarily to act on film (though I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to be in the right kind of film if it came along and asked real nicely!) and said he could certainly understand why. Hollywood is basically bullshit and contrived images and very little of the glamorous perfection you see is authentic. He thought it was too bad that instead of being a medium for inspiration that most Hollywood productions had become a medium to make ordinary people feel inferior. That's certainly not what people like him were about, I know. He said to me that although the shape of my dreams had changed he certainly hoped I could recapture my enthusiasm and my belief that I could "be somebody."

"You already are somebody," he said. "You just need to let that young enthusiasm out again and let it help you show the world how special you are. It isn't stupid to have dreams. I hope you don't let your hopes die entirely. You're a special person and I'm proud to have someone like you appreciate what I did."

I really felt like I'd made a very special friend and so deeply appreciated that he'd take the time to come and talk to me. I could feel that it was time for me to go. John gave me a hug and a handshake that ended in a funny bow from him and he walked me out of the studio. I walked into a bright light and woke up a few minutes later for the inevitable ultra-pee that happens when I've actually been able to sleep for a decent length of time.

I realize that all of this could have come from the depths of my subconscious, but there's a certain feeling when one actually meets a departed spirit in their dreams/astral adventures. This had that feeling all over it. Whatever the case, I know that John Ritter is the kind of person that would extend this sort of kindness to another. He was and always will be one of my favorite entertainers--and one of my favorite people as well.

Here's to ya, John! A great all-around guy who deserved the adulation he got. At peace, but not at rest because he's still got things to do. Don't worry about this guy--just send him your best. He'll appreciate it. When we extend positive energy to one another, it extends much further than we can possibly imagine.

I'm very grateful for this experience, whatever anyone may believe the explanation is.

Peace to you,

Cie/Lily

More Than One Way To Be Feminine

I posted this rant as a response to a great rant by my buddy Knight. And I decided that I wanted to post it here too.
I think what is true feminine and what this society accepts as feminine are very different things. This society sees the feminine as only the dainty little girl feminine, the "maiden" aspect. And when someone like me expresses the mama bear protecting her children, the ambitious artist who could give a shit less about appearing pretty to them, I get accused of being "masculine." I am actually one of the most feminine people that I know, but it isn't little-girl feminine. I don't need a man to take care of me. I want to take care of myself and my son. I get furious when people tell me I "have balls." I most certainly do NOT have balls--I am not a man! This society is still stuck in the dark ages as far as women are concerned. We are PEOPLE and people have the right to be strong at some times and needy at others, to be ambitious, to care for others and to be cared for. All these outer trappings are bullshit. Besides, being dainty-pretty is NOT the only way to be beautiful, desireable and FEMALE!
Oh yeah--and I hate the word "tomboy" too.
And that's my feminist rant!

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Religion But Were Afraid To Ask #1: What Is Asatru?

Since I have a myriad of Norse deities which star in the book that I'm currently writing, I was interested in finding out the answer to this question. With any religion, it's generally unwise to trust your first impressions. My first impressions of Asatru were negative for the very reason mentioned in the Wikipedia entry:

While Ásatrú is generally a tolerant religion, it is sometimes erroneously identified with neo-Nazi and "white power" organizations which also use Odinist symbols.

But as the entry proceeds to explain:

The three largest American Ásatrú organizations have specifically denounced any association with racist groups.[2] There is actually an antagonistic relationship between many neo-Nazis and the membership of most Ásatrú organizations in the USA, who view "national socialism as an unwanted totalitarian philosophy incompatible with freedom-loving Norse paganism".[3] The often problematic association comes from the fact that among neo-Nazis, there tend to be specifically 'white power' forms of Ásatrú and Odinism, which are viewed in such groups as being important attempts to retrace early segments of white european history, and they tend to be popular among those who view Christianity as a fundamentally Judaic religion.

As a religiously tolerant Qabalist-Buddhist-Neopagan myself, the more I read, the more I liked what I heard about Asatru. The Wikipedia entry is a fairly concise one and I recommend reading it. It provides several links to other places where you can find out more about this religion. If you feel a pull towards the Norse pantheon, Asatru may be the path for you in this lifetime.

Something Nature-y

I am a
Canna


What Flower
Are You?

I Really Need To Do Something About That Beard

Zeus You scored 53% wrathfulness!

You really hate being defied and want to strike your enemies. Only Ares is more wrathful.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 66% on wrathfulness

Link: The Which God Are You Test written by calgarydude on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Karma

Click the title link and read down a little. You'll find some excellent explanations of the various theories of karma.

Big Difference

When doing research for my latest hellish homework, I noticed a huuuuge difference between the searches my co-worker was doing and the ones I have been doing. She was looking for "What A Girl Wants" (the song or the movie, I'm not sure which) and "What A Girl Wants, Soundtrack."

I was looking for: The duct of Wirsung, the difference between the liver of a human and a fetal pig, what do the three salivary glands have in common, what is the difference between the hard palate and the soft palate, what are the functions of the hard palate and the soft palate. I also looked for the official website for Kiss and for information on Duane Allman that I could link to from the Maelstrom of Distorted Bedlam.

There are other radical differences between my co-worker and myself. She's a fundamentalist Christian who will be attending Bob Jones University. (Another co-worker and myself both found this very scary.) I'm a metaphysician who practices both Buddhism and Wicca, finds wisdom in the gnostic aspects of Christianity, and, thanks to the Holy Qabalah, sees no conflict of interest in accepting ideals and practices from these various schools of thought.

This country was supposedly founded on freedom of religion. But people like me have to fear revealing their true beliefs because of accusations of evildoing, being ostracized, and possibly getting fired. So I just don't talk about it unless I've developed a very high level of trust. Many of my longtime friends don't know the truth because I fear losing them if they were to find out.

James Van Praagh Explains

Why communication with spirits is sometimes difficult.

The spirit world exists at a much higher vibration than our world. Therefore, when a spirit attempts communication, his or her energy is at a higher vibration than that of the receiver. When James communicates with spirits, he tells them to slow down.

James has an innate gift for mediumistic abilities and many years of practice. I truly believe that he's the "real deal." Click the title link to visit his website. Click this link to read a humorous account of my own mishaps in my initial communications with my spectral co-author.

Craft Name Generator

The Aura Colors Test

Click the title link to take the Aura Colors test. Here is how I scored:
(huh! huh! I scored!)
11 in Blue and Lavender
10 in Yellow and Crystal
9 in Violet and Indigo
7 in Abstract Tan
6 in Sensitive Tan and Green
5 in Environmental Tan, Magenta and Red Overlay
4 in Logical Tan
3 in Orange
2 in Red

My Attributes:

Blue: People frequently turn to me with emotional problems and I lovingly and patiently help them.

I have been known to cry easily (though I tend never to cry in front of others.)

One of my strongest priorities is to be in a loving relationship. (This is true although I am not capable of being in a romantic relationship on the physical plane. Love means something different to me than erotic/romanitc expression.)

I feel guilty when I say no.

God (The Powers That Be) and spirituality are very important to me.

I tend to help and take care of others.

I frequently have cold hands and feet. (I thought that was due to hypothyroidism, but, ok.)

When there is conflict, I want everyone to love each other.

Love and people are the most important elements in my life. (The people I love are very important to me.)

I tend to feel the emotions of other people. (Sometimes to my detriment.)

I have difficulty letting go of relationships. (Even when they are toxic as hell.)

Lavender:

I enjoy fantasy and make-believe more than the "real" world.

I am quiet, sensitive and spiritual. (Although I really enjoy making an ass out of myself in a funny play.)

I have a difficult time managing money.

I tend to spend a lot of time alone, daydreaming.

I prefer pretty, gentle and fine artistic things and I am uncomfortable with dirt, bugs and harsh environments. (This is iffy. I am fascinated by 'dark' stuff, but prefer monster or good vs. evil themes to 'slasher' films. I don't mind a bit of dust and clutter, but I despise bugs. I do appreciate beautiful artwork and environments. I would love to go to Hawaii or someplace of that nature.)

I am often forgetful and frequently spacey.

People accuse me of being irresponsible and unrealistic.

I have difficulty dealing with everyday responsibilities.

I am an imaginative and creative thinker; however, I usually have trouble following through on my ideas. (It took me 14 years to finish my first book. What do you think?)

I seem to be out of my body more than I am in it. (I'm in it but not 'in reality' a lot of the time.)

I prefer to work in relaxed, low-stress environments.

Yellow:

It is very important to me to be able to play, have fun, exercise, and be with people. (And it doesn't happen very often.)

I like to laugh and cheer people up.

I have had a tendency to regularly overdo at least one of the following: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, sex, exercise, chocolates, sweets or overeating. (The last four are still demons of mine. But I don't think a little chocolate is bad for you!)

When there is conflict, my first impulse is to run away or avoid the situation.

I need physical exercise or dance on a regular basis. (And sometimes its hard to even get off my ass to walk the dogs.)

I like to be creative, artistic, or work with my hands.

I tend to look younger than my age. (But feel older!)

My feelings can be hurt very easily.

I wish that people could just play all the time.

I believe that sex should be fun. (Although I'm celibate, in my perfect world I certainly wouldn't be! I said 'celibate,' and that's by choice. But I'm not dead from the waist down! For me, sex is only fun if the heart and head are involved anyway. The BIG head, that is!)

I sometimes like to be spontaneous, but without order, I tend to become very agitated.

Crystal:

I often choose to work in quiet, calm and peaceful environments. (Although most of the time I choose to listen to loud, raucous, angry music.)

I am extremely sensitive and can be overwhelmed by being around too many people.

I need to spend a lot of time alone in quiet meditation to replenish myself.

Spending quiet time reading or being in my garden is therapeutic for me.

Physical reality often feels cold, harsh and threatening to me.

I don't always know how to behave in social situations.

My spirituality and my serene inner connection with God (The Powers That Be) are the most important aspects of my life. (One of them.)

Frequently I am unsure of what I am supposed to do on the planet.

I tend to be withdrawn, quiet and insecure.

I often feel I have quiet, inner healing powers. (Which I have never learned how to tap properly.)

Violet:

I feel that I have a message to get across to people.

I have a strong desire to help improve the planet.

I have always felt that I was going to be famous or do something important. (Better damn well hurry if its true!)

I have had a desire to perform to audiences. (Or reach audiences.)

If I had a lot of money, I would travel or become involved in humanitarian causes.

I am very interested in cosmic and universal concepts.

(I can sometimes end up as the center of attention.)

(I visualize future events, but more often I "know" the truth about something and it turns out to be fact, no matter how illogical it may seem. Sometimes it takes a long time for the truth to be revealed.)

I can become involved in too many projects at the same time. (always)

Freedom and independence are major priorities to me. (I am damn sick of dancing to someone else's beat!)

I would much rather be self-employed. (Rather, making money doing what I enjoy. I think I'm too scatterbrained to successfully run a business.)

Indigo:

Waking up suddenly causes me physical pain. (Distress and upset.)

I have difficulty relating to the world in its current condition and often feel that I don't belong here.

I have difficulty relating to my physical body.

I have a highly sensitive physical, emotional and psychological system.

I have no issues regarding sexual preference in others as long as they aren't after kids, animals, or people they're related to. I have some past abuse issues and hate when I have homosexual dreams.

I know that there is a spiritual energy in all things.

I have a strong curiosity about physical reality as it relates to spirituality.

I am extremely sensitive and mostly compassionate. I'm an independent thinker but sometimes tend to fold too easily, so I can't really qualify myself as "strong."

I tend to question and challenge old, dogmatic beliefs and methods. (I still want to moon Jerry Fallwell before I die!)

I cannot be forced to operate against my beliefs, even if it would make others happy.

I feel more creative and spiritually "advanced" than others. (At least than the "dumb driven cattle" which seem to make up 90% of the population. I've met several people whose spiritual and creative abilities completely eclipse mine, and I bow down to them!)

Abstract Tan:

I frequently feel scattered, often forget appointments, or overbook my schedule with conflicting appointments. (I am bipolar!)

I can see all the details that need to be taken care of, but I have difficulty deciding which ones need to be done first. (Probably the ones that I least want to do.)

I am constantly misplacing things. (Keys, appointment book, brain...)

I prefer jobs that allow me to work randomly with all the details of a project.

I get so busy and things get so hectic that I often forget to pay my bills. (I am bipolar...)

I am open, optomistic and very friendly. (I am friendly enough unless threatened. I am a curmudgeon, which overshadows blind optimism. I am not, however, a complete pessimist. I tend to be pretty open about who I am, on one hand, but very guarded on the other.)

I love humanity, but am often uncomfortable maintaining an intimate relationship. (I like people one on one but hate the human race as a whole. I fear people finding out the whole truth about me.)

I usually see numerous solutions to a problem. (But most of them aren't practical.)

I know many acquaintances but have very few close friends.

Sensitive Tan:

Home and family are two of my most important priorities.

I feel that supporting community activities and attending functions such as PTA meetings is important. (I and my son participate in most of the activities relating to his school. Community meetings are important but I would rather grind my feet off with a rasp than go to them.)

Having a sense of security and stability in my home is important to me. (My son has turned out to be a surprisingly well-balanced young man considering the emotional volatility he endured during his early life. Very seldom was he the target, but he saw a lot of fighting between his father and myself, which was always verbally abusive and sometimes physically violent. I have tried to provide him with stability since then. Unfortunately I was not diagnosed as bipolar until he was 14, so he still sometimes witnessed emotional outbursts on my part. Since the diagnosis, he and I have talked a lot and although initially he expressed some anger with me for being unable to control my upsets in his presence, he has since become very calm and rational about the whole thing and we are very supportive of each other.

Security...damn, it would be nice not to have what we need and not wonder which bills we can pay this month!)

I tend to be a patient listener. (usually)

I tend to be quiet, reserved, and often shy.

I believe that service to humanity is true spirituality.

I usually put my family's needs before my own.

I prefer to work in a structured environment. (Kind of. With a J.O.B.* I like knowing what to expect when I come to work.)

(*J.O.B. stands for Just Over Broke.)

Green:

I can be a workaholic and have a hard time relaxing.

I tend to be a perfectionist and am usually demanding on myself and others. (Myself, but not others.)

I need to learn and to be intellectually stimulated. (Or at least to be moving forward.)

I can be strong-willed and tenacious.

Three of my strongest priorities are making a lot of money, accomplishing my financial and business goals, and being respected by other powerful and intelligent people. (I want a lot of money because I don't want to have to worry about money and so I can help others with it. I want to accomplish my personal goals. I want to be respected by the kind of people whom I respect, which encompasses a real variety of people.)

I like things to be organized and well-planned. I frequently write lists. (I said this is what I LIKE. This is not generally my reality!)

I enjoy the challenge of developing plans and ideas rather than doing detailed work. (I tend to be an idea person, but I love doing detailed work if its on a project I'm passionate about. My attention to detail sometimes bogs me down.)

I have high standards in relationships and tend to be bored easily by most other people. (Most "normal" people really don't understand me, so its not likely we'd be hanging out together much anyway.)

People can be intimidated by me. (And I really don't understand why.)

I am often in a hurry.

Environmental Tan:

I enjoy analyzing and measuring the environment.

I am slow to develop friends and usually spend my time alone.

Money is important to me for security and stability.

I am a responsible, dedicated employee who follows directions well.

I am a very private person and keep my feelings to myself.

I prefer stable jobs and reliable paychecks. (But would rather be making money doing "my thing."

When raising children, I would be a rational disciplinarian. (I'm actually pretty relaxed. I state what the rules are and generally don't have to get harsh about it.)

Magenta:

Acting foolish and outrageous is fun and does not embarrass me. (Depends on how much I've had to drink!)

My lifestyle tends to be flamboyant and eccentric. (My true personality is flamboyant and eccentric but I prefer to be a frumpy, middle-aged woman.)

I believe controversy is necessary and that it keeps life interesting. (Depends on who I'm pissing off.)

I like the bizarre and the unusual. (As long as nobody's getting hurt.)

I do not usually conform to society's rules or laws.

Although I love parties and social events, I have trouble keeping friends because my behavior sometimes shocks people. (More like my beliefs sometimes shock the "normals" in this world.)

I enjoy outrageous artistic expression. (As long as nobody's getting hurt.)

I love to learn about new things, but I tend to have a short attention span. I often leave things unfinished. (I am bipolar.)

I feel alone and misunderstood a lot of the time.

Red Overlay:

I sometimes experience intense, often uncontrollable anger or rage. (Which is better since I started taking Lithium.)

My life seems to be a constant struggle.

I consistenly experience conflict and frustration regarding relationships, health, money, and/or career.

I experienced at least one of the following as a child:

Emotionally, physically or mentally abandoned or rejected (i.e. unwanted child, adopted, alcoholic parent, etc.) (My mother really didn't want kids. I could always tell, but she never said so until I was 27 years old. I was cool with it, I just wanted to know.)

Emotionally, physically, or mentally abused. (My parents didn't mean to, but I always felt I could do nothing right in their eyes. Also I was sexually molested at a young age. I have no conscious memory of it, but certain behaviors and physical symptoms, obsessions and flashes in dreams made me realize the truth.)

Life threatening situation before birth, at birth, or at a young age. (I was born slightly prematurely, but that wasn't really life threatening. I could never sleep. Once I didn't sleep for several nights and was given phenabarbitol. This had the opposite of the desired effect. I did not sleep for a week. I was 18 months old. I believe that this was possibly life threatening. At any rate, it was detrimental to my mental health. Even at this young age I was obviously pretty sensitive, fragile, and unusual. I was not a good baby for someone who really didn't want children in the first place.)

Logical Tan:

I do enjoy working with mechanical or electronic gagdgets and machines, i.e. computers, calculators, appliances and electronic games--sometimes more so than people. But I don't know that I would enjoy having such a career.

I enjoy working with details.

I tend to take a long time to make decisions.

I typically follow a regular routine. (I am often in a rut.)

My attitude is "seeing is believing." (It can be when I'm feeling particularly cynical.)

I tend to be a "pack rat," hanging on to things just in case I need them. (I am really terrible about this.)

Orange:

Having a regular job and a family feels boring to me. (The job, not the family.)

I prefer to spend time alone. (Much of the time. But I also get very lonely.)

I prefer doing individual sports and challenges rather than team sports. (I actually enjoy team sports sometimes, but I'm not good at anything. I like to play casually. The opportunity rarely presents itself.)

I enjoy the challenge of going beyond my physical limitations.

I do not need to share my emotional feelings with anyone. (I don't think my feelings are anyone's business, but often I'm dying to share them with someone.)

I am not interested in what other people think about me. (Pretty well true, but sometimes it matters more than I care to admit. People don't need to like me, but sometimes it hurts when they hate me or feel the need to be detrimental towards me.)

People often see me as self-absorbed and aloof. (I'm really not, but I tend to be shy and reserved, which can come off as self-absorbed and aloof.)

Red:

I prefer work that is physical and has immediate, tangible results. (As far as a J.O.B. goes, this can be true.)

I tend to be a loner.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings to others.

I am persistent and hard-working and usually keep the rest of the team going. (I can be a "cheerleader" when needed, but I refuse to wear those dorky little skirts!

Hope you enjoyed reading this novel about me. Or got a little sleep when you nodded off halfway through!

Meet the Authors

I don't have much to say about it here. It will speak for itself.

Dream Interpretation

Click the title link to see an interesting page about dream interpretation.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!!!

Ok, I put the post about the dream back. And isn't that just a super spiritual title for this post?? I'm having a real internal battle with myself right now! It's in regards to the publication of my story...and admitting that a real actual ghost helped me write it. Hellloooo, straight jacket, as far as most of the world is concerned!
The problem is that not only am I sensitive to psychic phenomena, I'm also hypersensitive psychologically. I don't handle criticism well. You have to have a thick skin to be able to do something like this and I just don't. I don't know if you can be a psychic sensitive without also being sensitive in general.
The ghosty dude does not have much of an ego when it comes to getting credit where credit is due. He doesn't care whether or not I give him credit for his part in the book. But I'm hyper-honest and I believe that not giving him credit would be like stealing his work. I've considered publishing the book under a pseudonym but think that's kind of a chicken shit way out. Ah, fuck me! I'm having a fucking psychological breakdown right now! I think it's like getting married, which is something that I would rather be tarred and feathered than do again. It sounded just great until I got down to the wire. Now I've got the first draft entirely finished and am doing clean up work to prepare for publication. I've always wanted to be a published author and frankly the book was only ok before my ethereal friend started making suggestions. He's far more creative than I am on very deep esoteric levels. He can dispute this all he wants but unless he wants to hit me in the head with a real physical object, I will ignore his protestations. He deserves credit, and it's not like it's the first time the Cheesy One has been labeled a nut case, a devil worshipper, or even a necrophiliac. That last one was a remark made by someone who had confused necromancer (which I'm not either. There's a difference between a psychic medium and a necromancer) and a necrophile.
Why do I even give a fuck about being labeled abnormal? It's not like I've ever been mistaken for normal. Why, why, why was I not born "normal?" One of those boring little people who wants a boring little normal job with a boring normal husband, a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids? But noooooooo! Instead I have to be the empathic bipolar nut case kook who talks to ghosts! And not "normal" ghosts either. Generally they are Earthbound spirits who had troubled lives. There is nothing "normal" going on here, I can assure you! If you were looking for normal, you have now entered the Abnormal Zone. We're mostly harmless in here but we are kind of scary-looking. So I guess if you're abnormal too, you'll be ok with that. If not, we'll let you leave unscathed. We might like making you jump (what's the fun of writing horror if you can't make people jump) but we don't have any real need to hurt anybody.
Oooook, I have officially cracked up now. Please send the nice people in the clean white coats...
they're coming to take me away!
Completely Cie
(Not channeling Lily, the Higher Self at all in this case!)

Too Personal

Howdy.
I did have a post here about a dream or astral experience I'd had, and some of you may have wondered where it went. I deleted it. There are some things that are just too personal.
Peace.

Permission to Freak

There are very few things that people can tell me which will freak me out. I've had too many psychic experiences. Some might argue psychotic experiences. Whatever. I'm too old and tired to argue with you if you choose to believe that I'm plain nuts. That's okey dokey by me. And maybe you're right. If so I guess I have a rather icky surprise coming to me when my end comes. But sometimes you've just got to say "Fuck It" and believe what you believe regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I have a dream blog and perhaps this dream/astral communication belongs there. But it's here. And it's my bunch of blogs, so I'll categorize entries as I see fit!
If you click this link you can read what the Australian aboriginals believe about dreams and the spirits of the departed. I happen to subscribe to their beliefs.
If you click the title link you can read about and see photos of the guy that came to visit me. I belive that we have formed an actual friendship to the point of my actually using his input in the book I recently finished the first draft of, and crediting him for it. Believe what you want but don't be rude, because what I will say next is pretty deeply personal as far as we are both concerned. His poltergeist tendencies are pretty low but I'm not responsible for what happens should you piss him off too much!
He came to me in this dream in his stage makeup and dressed entirely in black. He has never appeared to me in makeup before. He was quite upset and was holding something small wrapped in a black blanket. When he opened it up there was a baby in the blanket. It was cold and still and its face was stark white.
"Please, I'm tired of carrying around the dead baby," he said. "I want to not have to carry it any more. What can I do?"
I didn't know what to advise him. The interesting thing is, I realized several years ago that even though my personality did not splinter as I believe his did, it has many facets. One of these facets is my own "dead baby." I think that every person who was sexually traumatized at a young age has a "dead baby" inside them. It is the trust in others, the dreams of being a "normal" child without a horrible secret, all the things that are lost to those who have been molested. It isn't truly "dead," but it is sleeping so soundly that it appears to be so. It is afraid to wake up.
I told my friend that I have a "dead baby" inside me too and that I didn't know what to do, that maybe one day we would both be healed and it would be too. I wept with him. I noticed that there were cuts on his arms, like there often were when he was alive. I told him that he didn't have to hurt himself any more. He thanked me for being kind to him even though I didn't have an answer. He said that maybe we would figure it out together.
Freaky, yes.
But around here, you have permission to freak!
Peace, blessings and healing to all who suffer.
Lily

The Pineal Gland in Psychic and Psychological Phenomena

Click the title link to read an interesting, in depth article regarding the role the pineal gland plays in the organic functions of the mind and in aiding in or processing certain psychic functions.

The Room In My Soul

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul