Warning

How dangerous is my current level of exhaustion?

I have fibromyalgia and my exhaustion heightens my pain and my pain heightens my exhaustion. My adrenals are fried right now. I find myself being paranoid and having very disturbing thoughts, filled with worry about those I care for. I feel hated, even by those that are supposed to love me. Although I have been under some attack from certain quarters for real and I am so sensitive to emotions, especially love and hate. Sensing strong hate actually hurts me physically.

Tonight as I was getting out of the car to bring in the fast food to feed the family as I was too burned out and exhausted to cook, I turned to see a dark, shadowy shape about six feet behind me. I sensed cold and although this being was eerie it wasn't evil. I felt warning from it. If I continue on as I am, I will be departing from the physical world.

That would be ok with me right now. I'm too tired to fight any more.

Modern Tools of Worship

I became concerned about the relatively low but nonetheless plausible danger of fire from burning jar candles near my Buddha and Tara statues on my makeshift altar at work. Today while shopping at the local natural foods and goods store, I found a truly fine item--a Himalayan salt lamp. It is beautiful and the material comes straight from the Earth, so it seemed a perfect solution.

The Wiccan part of my belief system includes acknowledging the Elementals. The four Earthly elements are Earth, Fire, Water and Air. The fifth element is Aether or Heaven.

The Earth elementals will like the lamp because salt is representative of Earth.

The Fire elementals will appreciate the light and the electricity that generates it.

However, it lacks the air and water elements.

I always have a glass of some sort of liquid around the altar area, either water or tea, occasionally juice, for the water elementals.

I will need to get an aroma diffuser to appeal to the air elementals since I am no longer using scented candles. Traditionally incense is used to invoke the air elementals, but it was entirely impractical to use incense in my situation, so I have never done so.

Thus, if you are concerned about the danger of fire or simply want to try something different in your worship, a salt lamp may be a new tool for you to consider.

Peace,

Lily

It Ain't Easy

It ain't easy being born into a world which prefers concrete explanations and easy categorizations whey you are one who deals with things that often have no concrete explanation and can't be easily categorized.

I have been writing a book for more than a year now. The original idea actually came to be in 1992. I have always wanted to have MY name on a book.

This can't happen because the book I've written has grown far from the original concept, which, in all honesty, probably wouldn't have sold very well anyway.

I'm not sure the book will sell well, if at all. But part of the reason I can't write it under my real name is because of my co-author.

Who happens to be a ghost.

If you are the kind of person who wants to read with an open mind more about my experiences with this situation, click here.

If you are the kind who will only see fit to tell me that I need psychiatric help, let me behoove you not to waste your time. I'm bipolar. I already know I have psych issues. In fact you can read more about them here.

If you want to tell me that I'm being controlled by Satanic influences, save your keystrokes, because I don't believe that's the case. I'm a mystical witchy kind of person, so I'm already damned by your standards anyway.

If you are an aethiest or otherwise believe there is no existence after the demise of the body--well, what the hell are you doing reading this kind of blog? Save your keystrokes too because I've already heard your argument before. You can't be communicating with a ghost because there's no such thing as ghosts. Maybe you're right. But I don't think so.

If you're an Internet troll, fuck off on general principles, because I hate your worthless ilk. I don't need your poison. Get a life.

I'm not saying you have to believe exactly what I believe. But let's try to be tolerant of one another, shall we?

If you're cool with what I'm saying, then I'm sorry to have come off like a total grouch. I'm a curmudgeon, but I actually don't bite unless provoked!

The book, by the way, will be written under the name Lily Strange. Lily is my mystic name. The strange is obvious.

Lily

Dear Buddha And Tara

I need you right now.
I'm feeling really down and nothing I do is working right.
I have no damn willpower. I need to lose weight--desperately. I do ok for a few days, but then I binge. I can't seem to stop. I'm like a heroin addict.
My entire life is out of control. I need you to help me bring things back into perspective.
I don't know when it got this bad, but I've never felt like I was captain of my own destiny.
Perhaps its from having a controlling family. I don't know why. But I do know that I need you if I'm ever going to be able to change.
Please bless and guide me.
I am suffering.
Cie/Lily

Trippin' With Jack Tripper

Sometimes dreams about the departed are just dreams, but many times I think they are actual contacts. If this was a real contact, then my respect for a beloved icon from my youth has increased even more!

In my early teen years, I was an awkward creature with greasy hair and Martian headgear who was often the target of cruel jokes. I was a total nerd who had started smoking weed to take the edge off the intolerable agony of being victimized by my peers, but I was still a very innocent kid who thought that a blow job was blowing in someone's ear! I gained solace retreating into the science-fiction worlds of Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica; the action-packed worlds of Starsky and Hutch and Baretta (Did Robert Blake ever end up doing the time for his crime? Shit, talk about having your innocence shattered--Baretta was so cool and Blake had been one of "Our Gang," for cryin' in a bucket!) and the feel-good fun worlds of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Welcome Back Kotter, What's Happenin', and Three's Company. I remember imagining that I would grow up to be beautiful like Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Somers, and I would have a cool friend/surrogate big brother like John Ritter to make life fun.

I had a particular affinity for John, as I always enjoyed physical comedy, and he was a true genius. Plus, he was a nice guy in real life, not one of those people that played a nice guy but in real life was a jerk. John really inspired me. I wanted to be as gorgeous as the women he worked with, but as funny as he was. Like many people, I was shocked and saddened by John's untimely death a few years ago.

On the morning of the second, I had come home and was ready to get some sleep. There is some upheaval within my family. My parents are talking about moving to Arizona to be closer to my brother and out of the cold winters, which I think they should. They want for me to move down there too once my son graduates from high school. I can see reasons why this would be beneficial, but also reasons why it wouldn't. And at my age, in no small part due to my mental illness and being improperly treated for so many years, I still rely on my parents financially for a number of things. This is a great source of shame to me. I feel like I owe them. I would like to not be relying on them any more.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," I said sadly. "I remember when I was thirteen years old and wanted to be a famous actress. I guess I really wanted the acclaim and acceptance because I was such an outcast in real life. I don't want the hollywood glitz and glamour crap any more, it's such a lie. But it's sad to not believe that any of my dreams of making it in a creative field can come true any more. It's sad to lose the belief that one has in youth that one day everything will be wonderful."

I wasn't thinking about any of the shows that I enjoyed in my early teens, just about my ability to delude myself that one day things would be better--that I would be a "star." I no longer want to be a "star" in that sense. But I guess I would still like recognition for the things I put a lot of myself into--my writing, for instance. However, the hope is gone.

I always work on meditation and try to consciously astral project when I fall asleep. Usually I'm too tired and if anything end up wandering brainlessly about and don't really remember anything that happens. I had it in my mind to look for my co-author. I'm sure I babble incoherently at him a lot of the time as he keeps me safe from lower astral entities. I rarely remember what happens but often I wake with the feeling that he was guarding me and think that it was kind of him to take it upon himself to do so, seeing as being with an incoherent astral wanderer is probably much like being with an Alzheimer's patient.

I wasn't thinking about John Ritter. I hadn't seen any Three's Company reruns in a couple of months, since they did the marathon on TV Land. But suddenly as I wandered about, there was John Ritter! He said hello and that he'd like to talk to me and show me some things. We wandered around the set of a television show and he told me that he really had enjoyed acting and making people laugh, but hated the lies promoted by the industry. He did a few slapstick moves for me, tumbling over the couch and the like, and got me laughing. I got up and joined him, remembering how much I always loved the Three Stooges. We acted like complete lunatics for a time. Then we sat down and he told me how much he appreciated my kind thoughts for him and said that everything he did was for people like me. I thought that was really nice. He talked about missing his family but accepting what had happened to him since it wasn't like there was anything he could do to change it.

Eventually he said that he realized that I no longer wanted to be a Hollywood icon or even necessarily to act on film (though I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to be in the right kind of film if it came along and asked real nicely!) and said he could certainly understand why. Hollywood is basically bullshit and contrived images and very little of the glamorous perfection you see is authentic. He thought it was too bad that instead of being a medium for inspiration that most Hollywood productions had become a medium to make ordinary people feel inferior. That's certainly not what people like him were about, I know. He said to me that although the shape of my dreams had changed he certainly hoped I could recapture my enthusiasm and my belief that I could "be somebody."

"You already are somebody," he said. "You just need to let that young enthusiasm out again and let it help you show the world how special you are. It isn't stupid to have dreams. I hope you don't let your hopes die entirely. You're a special person and I'm proud to have someone like you appreciate what I did."

I really felt like I'd made a very special friend and so deeply appreciated that he'd take the time to come and talk to me. I could feel that it was time for me to go. John gave me a hug and a handshake that ended in a funny bow from him and he walked me out of the studio. I walked into a bright light and woke up a few minutes later for the inevitable ultra-pee that happens when I've actually been able to sleep for a decent length of time.

I realize that all of this could have come from the depths of my subconscious, but there's a certain feeling when one actually meets a departed spirit in their dreams/astral adventures. This had that feeling all over it. Whatever the case, I know that John Ritter is the kind of person that would extend this sort of kindness to another. He was and always will be one of my favorite entertainers--and one of my favorite people as well.

Here's to ya, John! A great all-around guy who deserved the adulation he got. At peace, but not at rest because he's still got things to do. Don't worry about this guy--just send him your best. He'll appreciate it. When we extend positive energy to one another, it extends much further than we can possibly imagine.

I'm very grateful for this experience, whatever anyone may believe the explanation is.

Peace to you,

Cie/Lily

More Than One Way To Be Feminine

I posted this rant as a response to a great rant by my buddy Knight. And I decided that I wanted to post it here too.
I think what is true feminine and what this society accepts as feminine are very different things. This society sees the feminine as only the dainty little girl feminine, the "maiden" aspect. And when someone like me expresses the mama bear protecting her children, the ambitious artist who could give a shit less about appearing pretty to them, I get accused of being "masculine." I am actually one of the most feminine people that I know, but it isn't little-girl feminine. I don't need a man to take care of me. I want to take care of myself and my son. I get furious when people tell me I "have balls." I most certainly do NOT have balls--I am not a man! This society is still stuck in the dark ages as far as women are concerned. We are PEOPLE and people have the right to be strong at some times and needy at others, to be ambitious, to care for others and to be cared for. All these outer trappings are bullshit. Besides, being dainty-pretty is NOT the only way to be beautiful, desireable and FEMALE!
Oh yeah--and I hate the word "tomboy" too.
And that's my feminist rant!

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Religion But Were Afraid To Ask #1: What Is Asatru?

Since I have a myriad of Norse deities which star in the book that I'm currently writing, I was interested in finding out the answer to this question. With any religion, it's generally unwise to trust your first impressions. My first impressions of Asatru were negative for the very reason mentioned in the Wikipedia entry:

While Ásatrú is generally a tolerant religion, it is sometimes erroneously identified with neo-Nazi and "white power" organizations which also use Odinist symbols.

But as the entry proceeds to explain:

The three largest American Ásatrú organizations have specifically denounced any association with racist groups.[2] There is actually an antagonistic relationship between many neo-Nazis and the membership of most Ásatrú organizations in the USA, who view "national socialism as an unwanted totalitarian philosophy incompatible with freedom-loving Norse paganism".[3] The often problematic association comes from the fact that among neo-Nazis, there tend to be specifically 'white power' forms of Ásatrú and Odinism, which are viewed in such groups as being important attempts to retrace early segments of white european history, and they tend to be popular among those who view Christianity as a fundamentally Judaic religion.

As a religiously tolerant Qabalist-Buddhist-Neopagan myself, the more I read, the more I liked what I heard about Asatru. The Wikipedia entry is a fairly concise one and I recommend reading it. It provides several links to other places where you can find out more about this religion. If you feel a pull towards the Norse pantheon, Asatru may be the path for you in this lifetime.

Something Nature-y

I am a
Canna


What Flower
Are You?

I Really Need To Do Something About That Beard

Zeus You scored 53% wrathfulness!

You really hate being defied and want to strike your enemies. Only Ares is more wrathful.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 66% on wrathfulness

Link: The Which God Are You Test written by calgarydude on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Karma

Click the title link and read down a little. You'll find some excellent explanations of the various theories of karma.

Big Difference

When doing research for my latest hellish homework, I noticed a huuuuge difference between the searches my co-worker was doing and the ones I have been doing. She was looking for "What A Girl Wants" (the song or the movie, I'm not sure which) and "What A Girl Wants, Soundtrack."

I was looking for: The duct of Wirsung, the difference between the liver of a human and a fetal pig, what do the three salivary glands have in common, what is the difference between the hard palate and the soft palate, what are the functions of the hard palate and the soft palate. I also looked for the official website for Kiss and for information on Duane Allman that I could link to from the Maelstrom of Distorted Bedlam.

There are other radical differences between my co-worker and myself. She's a fundamentalist Christian who will be attending Bob Jones University. (Another co-worker and myself both found this very scary.) I'm a metaphysician who practices both Buddhism and Wicca, finds wisdom in the gnostic aspects of Christianity, and, thanks to the Holy Qabalah, sees no conflict of interest in accepting ideals and practices from these various schools of thought.

This country was supposedly founded on freedom of religion. But people like me have to fear revealing their true beliefs because of accusations of evildoing, being ostracized, and possibly getting fired. So I just don't talk about it unless I've developed a very high level of trust. Many of my longtime friends don't know the truth because I fear losing them if they were to find out.

James Van Praagh Explains

Why communication with spirits is sometimes difficult.

The spirit world exists at a much higher vibration than our world. Therefore, when a spirit attempts communication, his or her energy is at a higher vibration than that of the receiver. When James communicates with spirits, he tells them to slow down.

James has an innate gift for mediumistic abilities and many years of practice. I truly believe that he's the "real deal." Click the title link to visit his website. Click this link to read a humorous account of my own mishaps in my initial communications with my spectral co-author.

Craft Name Generator

The Aura Colors Test

Click the title link to take the Aura Colors test. Here is how I scored:
(huh! huh! I scored!)
11 in Blue and Lavender
10 in Yellow and Crystal
9 in Violet and Indigo
7 in Abstract Tan
6 in Sensitive Tan and Green
5 in Environmental Tan, Magenta and Red Overlay
4 in Logical Tan
3 in Orange
2 in Red

My Attributes:

Blue: People frequently turn to me with emotional problems and I lovingly and patiently help them.

I have been known to cry easily (though I tend never to cry in front of others.)

One of my strongest priorities is to be in a loving relationship. (This is true although I am not capable of being in a romantic relationship on the physical plane. Love means something different to me than erotic/romanitc expression.)

I feel guilty when I say no.

God (The Powers That Be) and spirituality are very important to me.

I tend to help and take care of others.

I frequently have cold hands and feet. (I thought that was due to hypothyroidism, but, ok.)

When there is conflict, I want everyone to love each other.

Love and people are the most important elements in my life. (The people I love are very important to me.)

I tend to feel the emotions of other people. (Sometimes to my detriment.)

I have difficulty letting go of relationships. (Even when they are toxic as hell.)

Lavender:

I enjoy fantasy and make-believe more than the "real" world.

I am quiet, sensitive and spiritual. (Although I really enjoy making an ass out of myself in a funny play.)

I have a difficult time managing money.

I tend to spend a lot of time alone, daydreaming.

I prefer pretty, gentle and fine artistic things and I am uncomfortable with dirt, bugs and harsh environments. (This is iffy. I am fascinated by 'dark' stuff, but prefer monster or good vs. evil themes to 'slasher' films. I don't mind a bit of dust and clutter, but I despise bugs. I do appreciate beautiful artwork and environments. I would love to go to Hawaii or someplace of that nature.)

I am often forgetful and frequently spacey.

People accuse me of being irresponsible and unrealistic.

I have difficulty dealing with everyday responsibilities.

I am an imaginative and creative thinker; however, I usually have trouble following through on my ideas. (It took me 14 years to finish my first book. What do you think?)

I seem to be out of my body more than I am in it. (I'm in it but not 'in reality' a lot of the time.)

I prefer to work in relaxed, low-stress environments.

Yellow:

It is very important to me to be able to play, have fun, exercise, and be with people. (And it doesn't happen very often.)

I like to laugh and cheer people up.

I have had a tendency to regularly overdo at least one of the following: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, sex, exercise, chocolates, sweets or overeating. (The last four are still demons of mine. But I don't think a little chocolate is bad for you!)

When there is conflict, my first impulse is to run away or avoid the situation.

I need physical exercise or dance on a regular basis. (And sometimes its hard to even get off my ass to walk the dogs.)

I like to be creative, artistic, or work with my hands.

I tend to look younger than my age. (But feel older!)

My feelings can be hurt very easily.

I wish that people could just play all the time.

I believe that sex should be fun. (Although I'm celibate, in my perfect world I certainly wouldn't be! I said 'celibate,' and that's by choice. But I'm not dead from the waist down! For me, sex is only fun if the heart and head are involved anyway. The BIG head, that is!)

I sometimes like to be spontaneous, but without order, I tend to become very agitated.

Crystal:

I often choose to work in quiet, calm and peaceful environments. (Although most of the time I choose to listen to loud, raucous, angry music.)

I am extremely sensitive and can be overwhelmed by being around too many people.

I need to spend a lot of time alone in quiet meditation to replenish myself.

Spending quiet time reading or being in my garden is therapeutic for me.

Physical reality often feels cold, harsh and threatening to me.

I don't always know how to behave in social situations.

My spirituality and my serene inner connection with God (The Powers That Be) are the most important aspects of my life. (One of them.)

Frequently I am unsure of what I am supposed to do on the planet.

I tend to be withdrawn, quiet and insecure.

I often feel I have quiet, inner healing powers. (Which I have never learned how to tap properly.)

Violet:

I feel that I have a message to get across to people.

I have a strong desire to help improve the planet.

I have always felt that I was going to be famous or do something important. (Better damn well hurry if its true!)

I have had a desire to perform to audiences. (Or reach audiences.)

If I had a lot of money, I would travel or become involved in humanitarian causes.

I am very interested in cosmic and universal concepts.

(I can sometimes end up as the center of attention.)

(I visualize future events, but more often I "know" the truth about something and it turns out to be fact, no matter how illogical it may seem. Sometimes it takes a long time for the truth to be revealed.)

I can become involved in too many projects at the same time. (always)

Freedom and independence are major priorities to me. (I am damn sick of dancing to someone else's beat!)

I would much rather be self-employed. (Rather, making money doing what I enjoy. I think I'm too scatterbrained to successfully run a business.)

Indigo:

Waking up suddenly causes me physical pain. (Distress and upset.)

I have difficulty relating to the world in its current condition and often feel that I don't belong here.

I have difficulty relating to my physical body.

I have a highly sensitive physical, emotional and psychological system.

I have no issues regarding sexual preference in others as long as they aren't after kids, animals, or people they're related to. I have some past abuse issues and hate when I have homosexual dreams.

I know that there is a spiritual energy in all things.

I have a strong curiosity about physical reality as it relates to spirituality.

I am extremely sensitive and mostly compassionate. I'm an independent thinker but sometimes tend to fold too easily, so I can't really qualify myself as "strong."

I tend to question and challenge old, dogmatic beliefs and methods. (I still want to moon Jerry Fallwell before I die!)

I cannot be forced to operate against my beliefs, even if it would make others happy.

I feel more creative and spiritually "advanced" than others. (At least than the "dumb driven cattle" which seem to make up 90% of the population. I've met several people whose spiritual and creative abilities completely eclipse mine, and I bow down to them!)

Abstract Tan:

I frequently feel scattered, often forget appointments, or overbook my schedule with conflicting appointments. (I am bipolar!)

I can see all the details that need to be taken care of, but I have difficulty deciding which ones need to be done first. (Probably the ones that I least want to do.)

I am constantly misplacing things. (Keys, appointment book, brain...)

I prefer jobs that allow me to work randomly with all the details of a project.

I get so busy and things get so hectic that I often forget to pay my bills. (I am bipolar...)

I am open, optomistic and very friendly. (I am friendly enough unless threatened. I am a curmudgeon, which overshadows blind optimism. I am not, however, a complete pessimist. I tend to be pretty open about who I am, on one hand, but very guarded on the other.)

I love humanity, but am often uncomfortable maintaining an intimate relationship. (I like people one on one but hate the human race as a whole. I fear people finding out the whole truth about me.)

I usually see numerous solutions to a problem. (But most of them aren't practical.)

I know many acquaintances but have very few close friends.

Sensitive Tan:

Home and family are two of my most important priorities.

I feel that supporting community activities and attending functions such as PTA meetings is important. (I and my son participate in most of the activities relating to his school. Community meetings are important but I would rather grind my feet off with a rasp than go to them.)

Having a sense of security and stability in my home is important to me. (My son has turned out to be a surprisingly well-balanced young man considering the emotional volatility he endured during his early life. Very seldom was he the target, but he saw a lot of fighting between his father and myself, which was always verbally abusive and sometimes physically violent. I have tried to provide him with stability since then. Unfortunately I was not diagnosed as bipolar until he was 14, so he still sometimes witnessed emotional outbursts on my part. Since the diagnosis, he and I have talked a lot and although initially he expressed some anger with me for being unable to control my upsets in his presence, he has since become very calm and rational about the whole thing and we are very supportive of each other.

Security...damn, it would be nice not to have what we need and not wonder which bills we can pay this month!)

I tend to be a patient listener. (usually)

I tend to be quiet, reserved, and often shy.

I believe that service to humanity is true spirituality.

I usually put my family's needs before my own.

I prefer to work in a structured environment. (Kind of. With a J.O.B.* I like knowing what to expect when I come to work.)

(*J.O.B. stands for Just Over Broke.)

Green:

I can be a workaholic and have a hard time relaxing.

I tend to be a perfectionist and am usually demanding on myself and others. (Myself, but not others.)

I need to learn and to be intellectually stimulated. (Or at least to be moving forward.)

I can be strong-willed and tenacious.

Three of my strongest priorities are making a lot of money, accomplishing my financial and business goals, and being respected by other powerful and intelligent people. (I want a lot of money because I don't want to have to worry about money and so I can help others with it. I want to accomplish my personal goals. I want to be respected by the kind of people whom I respect, which encompasses a real variety of people.)

I like things to be organized and well-planned. I frequently write lists. (I said this is what I LIKE. This is not generally my reality!)

I enjoy the challenge of developing plans and ideas rather than doing detailed work. (I tend to be an idea person, but I love doing detailed work if its on a project I'm passionate about. My attention to detail sometimes bogs me down.)

I have high standards in relationships and tend to be bored easily by most other people. (Most "normal" people really don't understand me, so its not likely we'd be hanging out together much anyway.)

People can be intimidated by me. (And I really don't understand why.)

I am often in a hurry.

Environmental Tan:

I enjoy analyzing and measuring the environment.

I am slow to develop friends and usually spend my time alone.

Money is important to me for security and stability.

I am a responsible, dedicated employee who follows directions well.

I am a very private person and keep my feelings to myself.

I prefer stable jobs and reliable paychecks. (But would rather be making money doing "my thing."

When raising children, I would be a rational disciplinarian. (I'm actually pretty relaxed. I state what the rules are and generally don't have to get harsh about it.)

Magenta:

Acting foolish and outrageous is fun and does not embarrass me. (Depends on how much I've had to drink!)

My lifestyle tends to be flamboyant and eccentric. (My true personality is flamboyant and eccentric but I prefer to be a frumpy, middle-aged woman.)

I believe controversy is necessary and that it keeps life interesting. (Depends on who I'm pissing off.)

I like the bizarre and the unusual. (As long as nobody's getting hurt.)

I do not usually conform to society's rules or laws.

Although I love parties and social events, I have trouble keeping friends because my behavior sometimes shocks people. (More like my beliefs sometimes shock the "normals" in this world.)

I enjoy outrageous artistic expression. (As long as nobody's getting hurt.)

I love to learn about new things, but I tend to have a short attention span. I often leave things unfinished. (I am bipolar.)

I feel alone and misunderstood a lot of the time.

Red Overlay:

I sometimes experience intense, often uncontrollable anger or rage. (Which is better since I started taking Lithium.)

My life seems to be a constant struggle.

I consistenly experience conflict and frustration regarding relationships, health, money, and/or career.

I experienced at least one of the following as a child:

Emotionally, physically or mentally abandoned or rejected (i.e. unwanted child, adopted, alcoholic parent, etc.) (My mother really didn't want kids. I could always tell, but she never said so until I was 27 years old. I was cool with it, I just wanted to know.)

Emotionally, physically, or mentally abused. (My parents didn't mean to, but I always felt I could do nothing right in their eyes. Also I was sexually molested at a young age. I have no conscious memory of it, but certain behaviors and physical symptoms, obsessions and flashes in dreams made me realize the truth.)

Life threatening situation before birth, at birth, or at a young age. (I was born slightly prematurely, but that wasn't really life threatening. I could never sleep. Once I didn't sleep for several nights and was given phenabarbitol. This had the opposite of the desired effect. I did not sleep for a week. I was 18 months old. I believe that this was possibly life threatening. At any rate, it was detrimental to my mental health. Even at this young age I was obviously pretty sensitive, fragile, and unusual. I was not a good baby for someone who really didn't want children in the first place.)

Logical Tan:

I do enjoy working with mechanical or electronic gagdgets and machines, i.e. computers, calculators, appliances and electronic games--sometimes more so than people. But I don't know that I would enjoy having such a career.

I enjoy working with details.

I tend to take a long time to make decisions.

I typically follow a regular routine. (I am often in a rut.)

My attitude is "seeing is believing." (It can be when I'm feeling particularly cynical.)

I tend to be a "pack rat," hanging on to things just in case I need them. (I am really terrible about this.)

Orange:

Having a regular job and a family feels boring to me. (The job, not the family.)

I prefer to spend time alone. (Much of the time. But I also get very lonely.)

I prefer doing individual sports and challenges rather than team sports. (I actually enjoy team sports sometimes, but I'm not good at anything. I like to play casually. The opportunity rarely presents itself.)

I enjoy the challenge of going beyond my physical limitations.

I do not need to share my emotional feelings with anyone. (I don't think my feelings are anyone's business, but often I'm dying to share them with someone.)

I am not interested in what other people think about me. (Pretty well true, but sometimes it matters more than I care to admit. People don't need to like me, but sometimes it hurts when they hate me or feel the need to be detrimental towards me.)

People often see me as self-absorbed and aloof. (I'm really not, but I tend to be shy and reserved, which can come off as self-absorbed and aloof.)

Red:

I prefer work that is physical and has immediate, tangible results. (As far as a J.O.B. goes, this can be true.)

I tend to be a loner.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings to others.

I am persistent and hard-working and usually keep the rest of the team going. (I can be a "cheerleader" when needed, but I refuse to wear those dorky little skirts!

Hope you enjoyed reading this novel about me. Or got a little sleep when you nodded off halfway through!

Meet the Authors

I don't have much to say about it here. It will speak for itself.

Dream Interpretation

Click the title link to see an interesting page about dream interpretation.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!!!

Ok, I put the post about the dream back. And isn't that just a super spiritual title for this post?? I'm having a real internal battle with myself right now! It's in regards to the publication of my story...and admitting that a real actual ghost helped me write it. Hellloooo, straight jacket, as far as most of the world is concerned!
The problem is that not only am I sensitive to psychic phenomena, I'm also hypersensitive psychologically. I don't handle criticism well. You have to have a thick skin to be able to do something like this and I just don't. I don't know if you can be a psychic sensitive without also being sensitive in general.
The ghosty dude does not have much of an ego when it comes to getting credit where credit is due. He doesn't care whether or not I give him credit for his part in the book. But I'm hyper-honest and I believe that not giving him credit would be like stealing his work. I've considered publishing the book under a pseudonym but think that's kind of a chicken shit way out. Ah, fuck me! I'm having a fucking psychological breakdown right now! I think it's like getting married, which is something that I would rather be tarred and feathered than do again. It sounded just great until I got down to the wire. Now I've got the first draft entirely finished and am doing clean up work to prepare for publication. I've always wanted to be a published author and frankly the book was only ok before my ethereal friend started making suggestions. He's far more creative than I am on very deep esoteric levels. He can dispute this all he wants but unless he wants to hit me in the head with a real physical object, I will ignore his protestations. He deserves credit, and it's not like it's the first time the Cheesy One has been labeled a nut case, a devil worshipper, or even a necrophiliac. That last one was a remark made by someone who had confused necromancer (which I'm not either. There's a difference between a psychic medium and a necromancer) and a necrophile.
Why do I even give a fuck about being labeled abnormal? It's not like I've ever been mistaken for normal. Why, why, why was I not born "normal?" One of those boring little people who wants a boring little normal job with a boring normal husband, a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids? But noooooooo! Instead I have to be the empathic bipolar nut case kook who talks to ghosts! And not "normal" ghosts either. Generally they are Earthbound spirits who had troubled lives. There is nothing "normal" going on here, I can assure you! If you were looking for normal, you have now entered the Abnormal Zone. We're mostly harmless in here but we are kind of scary-looking. So I guess if you're abnormal too, you'll be ok with that. If not, we'll let you leave unscathed. We might like making you jump (what's the fun of writing horror if you can't make people jump) but we don't have any real need to hurt anybody.
Oooook, I have officially cracked up now. Please send the nice people in the clean white coats...
they're coming to take me away!
Completely Cie
(Not channeling Lily, the Higher Self at all in this case!)

Too Personal

Howdy.
I did have a post here about a dream or astral experience I'd had, and some of you may have wondered where it went. I deleted it. There are some things that are just too personal.
Peace.

Permission to Freak

There are very few things that people can tell me which will freak me out. I've had too many psychic experiences. Some might argue psychotic experiences. Whatever. I'm too old and tired to argue with you if you choose to believe that I'm plain nuts. That's okey dokey by me. And maybe you're right. If so I guess I have a rather icky surprise coming to me when my end comes. But sometimes you've just got to say "Fuck It" and believe what you believe regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I have a dream blog and perhaps this dream/astral communication belongs there. But it's here. And it's my bunch of blogs, so I'll categorize entries as I see fit!
If you click this link you can read what the Australian aboriginals believe about dreams and the spirits of the departed. I happen to subscribe to their beliefs.
If you click the title link you can read about and see photos of the guy that came to visit me. I belive that we have formed an actual friendship to the point of my actually using his input in the book I recently finished the first draft of, and crediting him for it. Believe what you want but don't be rude, because what I will say next is pretty deeply personal as far as we are both concerned. His poltergeist tendencies are pretty low but I'm not responsible for what happens should you piss him off too much!
He came to me in this dream in his stage makeup and dressed entirely in black. He has never appeared to me in makeup before. He was quite upset and was holding something small wrapped in a black blanket. When he opened it up there was a baby in the blanket. It was cold and still and its face was stark white.
"Please, I'm tired of carrying around the dead baby," he said. "I want to not have to carry it any more. What can I do?"
I didn't know what to advise him. The interesting thing is, I realized several years ago that even though my personality did not splinter as I believe his did, it has many facets. One of these facets is my own "dead baby." I think that every person who was sexually traumatized at a young age has a "dead baby" inside them. It is the trust in others, the dreams of being a "normal" child without a horrible secret, all the things that are lost to those who have been molested. It isn't truly "dead," but it is sleeping so soundly that it appears to be so. It is afraid to wake up.
I told my friend that I have a "dead baby" inside me too and that I didn't know what to do, that maybe one day we would both be healed and it would be too. I wept with him. I noticed that there were cuts on his arms, like there often were when he was alive. I told him that he didn't have to hurt himself any more. He thanked me for being kind to him even though I didn't have an answer. He said that maybe we would figure it out together.
Freaky, yes.
But around here, you have permission to freak!
Peace, blessings and healing to all who suffer.
Lily

The Pineal Gland in Psychic and Psychological Phenomena

Click the title link to read an interesting, in depth article regarding the role the pineal gland plays in the organic functions of the mind and in aiding in or processing certain psychic functions.