Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I really don't get people who commit massacres because they're miserable.
I've thought about taking myself out many a time. The thought usually crosses my mind several times a month.
I was very unpopular when I was in school, especially junior high. There was one girl who seemed to live to make me miserable. One time she passed around this note alleging that the teacher's assistant in art and I were having a "thing." The note was very graphic and very disgusting, and I was horrified. She said the ugliest things about me. And I actually came up with a plan to kill her.
I had a knife under my jacket and was going to follow her into the girls' bathroom and stab her.
I had no other targets although there were others that picked on me. This girl made my life hell, however, and I had reached a breaking point.
Something, I have no idea what, a spirit guide, an angel, my higher (and I don't mean having smoked more pot, something that I did a lot of back in the day) self said to me:
"Don't do it. Put the knife back. You don't want to ruin your entire life over this bitch."
It wasn't a namby pamby goody goody "love thy enemy" schpiel. It wasn't asking me to consider what Jesus would do, in spite of the fact that at the time I was a devout Catholic. Whatever was guiding me acknowledged that this girl was a mean-spirited bitch. It told me that I was above doing something that barbaric and deserved better than to spend the remainder of my youth incarcerated for killing her, and probably having to change my identity as an adult. This guidance was loud and clear (in my mind, not in my ears) and it was very real and honest.
I've often wondered where the guiding voice was for people like this recent mass murderer, for people like the guy at the Amish school, for people like Harris and Klebold.
Is the voice there but they block it out?
Or are they listening a voice that encourages them to kill?
I wonder if I'll ever know.
I don't think I'll ever understand.


Amanda said...

Maybe they are supposed to do this...

Cheesemeister said...

I buy fate and karma, but not to the point that I think certain people are programmed to kill others. I think they always have the choice not to do something this heinous. I found this great article about how there are different kinds of karma. I've never been able to fathom the viewpoint that people who die tragically do so because they "deserve" to because they were bad in another life. Sometimes that's the case but other times the person themselves may believe they deserve tragedy. This article also pointed out that there's a mass karma for societies as a whole wherein sometimes good people get killed. As to this gunman, I think he was listening to the guidance of demons, whether external demons or demons inside his own head or both. He had opportunities to change his mind and didn't. I guess I find it hard to believe that anyone is born with the purpose of killing others. If they are, it is the choice of their own soul, not predestined fate. In my opinion.

Amanda said...

Evidence suggest he was on some kind of brain-medication. Very strange, violent things can happen if one is on the wrong med, or if he suddenly stops taking them.

Of course it still doesn't adequately explain why other people do this, and some wont.

Sometimes it helps to just think there might be a reason for this. The idea that such acts are completely meaningless makes them even scarier to me...Don't know what to think.

ariel said...

this fate and karma thing is too difficult to me. obviously, there is always choice, and obviously, everything is determined already. it's beyond me. I feel for those students and teachers. and happy you didn't put that bitch off. the voice was right!