I don't like being in a church and praying. I like being in nature looking at trees or flowers and meditating. This is why Buddhism appeals to me more than the Catholic religion that I grew up with. I went through a period of dabbling in the "left hand path" and got the fuck scared out of me, so I stopped messing with those energies. I do appeal to the Pagan deities at times. They seem much more approachable than the Christian god. But I don't know if they really give a flip about me or mine either. Right now I don't have much to say about gods. I feel pretty adrift and pretty abandoned by the higher energies of the Universe.
I have a bunch of health problems, one of them seeming to be related to my heart. I have to sleep with my head elevated to keep my heart from palpitating. I have elevated blood pressure that is usually in the pre-hypertension range but sometimes ranges into hypertension. I know I need to lose a bunch of weight but am afraid to start exercising strenuously until the actual cause of these heart palpitations has been pinpointed. I realize I have mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder. I'm not addressing any of that right now. I'm only addressing the fact that I'm enduring quite a bit of doubt in life, the universe and everything, or at least in any kind of kindness from the higher forces. At this point they seem pretty distant and impersonal. Maybe they've just had enough of our bullshit. I know that's how I'd feel. It would be something like this: "Screw you fuckers, I'm going home. I've had enough of you calling me whenever you need something but acting like I don't exist and you did it all yourself after I help you."
The fact is, a benevolent god wouldn't do that. A benevolent god would be more like someone feeding their pet fish. The fish doesn't acknowledge who you are exactly, but it's grateful for the food. You like the fish even though the fish doesn't know exactly what you are and it doesn't thank you by name. A benevolent deity would treat its creations with love whether or not they acknowledged its existence. There wouldn't be this ego trip going on with threats of fire and brimstone. I can't buy into that belief system any more.
Right now I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm buying. I think I'm kind of waiting and seeing. What I do know is that right now the world kinda seems to suck for everybody. Maybe we have to fight to get out of the suckage.
Maybe the materialists are right and nothing exists beyond this life. But for me that's a pretty shitty and depressing belief and it only leads to misery, so I'm not going to allow it to take over any more than I'm going to buy into the dogma of the fire and brimstone lot.
In the immortal words of Chuck D, I've gotta do what I've gotta do so who the hell is you to tell me that my song is wrong.
I can only go with what I know. Which sometimes is not a whole hell of a lot. So I guess I'll just fly by the seat of my pants like always and see what happens.